Mindful Interactions

Years and years ago, a colleague returned from a Montessori conference with a list of the qualities that our interactions with one another can take on.  It was expressed as a scale – from most selfless and kind to most selfish and hurtful.  This hierarchy provides a very useful framework for talking with children about how we treat one another.  I often wished that I knew who authored this gem!  I have used it ever since; today I share it with you in the hope that it will have the same positive impact on your classroom as it has in mine!

Introducing TheHierarchy of Human Interactions

When introducing thisvocabulary to children, begin by ensuring that we have a common understandingof the terms involved.  These are wordsthat seem to resonate with children:

• Gallantry – acting with no thought to one’s self – the good of the other is what matters
• Chivalry – considering the cost, but doing it anyway
• Courteousness – going out of the way to be nice, but at no cost to one’s self
• Politeness – automatic niceness, no thought included
• Civility – neither positive nor negative
• Toleration – putting up with someone or something just to get through the situation
• Shunning - excluding
• Rudeness  - offensively impolite or unkind
• Abuse – purposefully, sometimes repeatedly, hurtful

Once the words are defined, discusssome examples.  A classic example ofgallantry is that of Sir Walter Raleigh laying his cloak over a mud puddle tokeep Queen Elizabeth I from getting her feet wet, a story attributed tohistorian Thomas  Fuller.  Children will readily say that an example ofpoliteness is saying please and thank you. Children are usually trained from a very young age to use thesephrases liberally.

Using the Hierarchy

Perhaps the most importantpart of using the model is realizing that the differences between any twoadjacent hierarchies, for example, between courteousness and politeness, is inthe intention.  What was in the person’smind when they spoke or acted.  A greatexample to give is of one person holding the door open for others.  What initiated that action?

• If it was triggeredby childhood training, that holding the door for elders was the sociallyacceptable thing to do, it is an example of politeness. 
• If it startedwith the thought that those needing to go through the door had their arms full ofboxes and would need help to manage the entry, it might be an example of courteousness.
• If holding thedoor for others meant that the person would be letting all those passingthrough the door into the line at Starbucks ahead of the person, that might bean example of chivalry.

It may also be helpful to discussan example of words/actions that fall in the bottom half of the hierarchy.  The specific example might be something thatthe community has been working on eliminating. For example, if the community has been working on eliminating put-downs,the incident might be an example of shunning, rudeness, or abuse, depending uponthe intent of the person giving the put-down. 

Through this discussion, wewant to help children to understand that the only person who can really assess whichhierarchy the interaction illustrates is the person doing the speaking oracting – the one who knows what the intent was. However, while we cannot determine precisely which hierarchy “hold thedoor open” falls under, we can definitely say that it is a top-half interaction.  Similarly,put-downs are clearly bottom halfinteractions.

Examining the Classroom Culture

Once children are on-boardwith the model, they can begin to apply it to classroom interactions; turn thediscussion to where children feel classroom interactions typically fall.  Are most of the classroom interactions top-half?  Do bottom-halfinteractions sometimes creep in?   How would the classroom community be differentif all interactions were top-half? 

Sometimes, things that appearto be bottom-half interactions can besomething that really isn’t intended to be negative – we just say or do thingsout of habit without thinking about how they impact others.  Sarcasm is a great example of something that peoplesometimes use without intending harm, but which can be quite hurtful.  So, too, is insisting on always being first whenthe class lines up.  Ask the children ifthey can think of other examples.  If theclass is going to work together to eliminate bottom-half interactions, we have to help one another recognizewhen our habits are hurting others.  Howcan we kindly and non-judgmentally let others know whensomething feels negative?  It might be a wordor a short phrase or even a hand signal that conveys, “I bet you didn’t meanthat the way it came out.”

Reflection for All

For most people, there is a difference in our interactions with our closest friends and those with people who are acquaintances or strangers.  When we know people well, we are more casual in our language.  Often a lot of communication is unspoken between good friends.  With people who we don’t know, our language is usually more formal.  Imagine meeting the Queen of England, and finishing up the conversation by asking, “So, what’re you doing after this? Do you wanna hang out?”  That is probably not going to end so well… 

Whether our language is formalor informal, we always want our interactions to be positive, at least in part becausethat encourages others to interact positively with us.  Please take a moment to think about somerecent interactions with other people in our classroom community.  Try to recall at least 2 with close friendsand 2 with those you don’t know as well. Where do you think they fell on the hierarchy?  You can probably pinpoint where your wordsand actions fell because you know what you intended.  For others involved in the interaction, youcan probably only say whether they were in the top-half or bottom-half.   Ifthere were bottom-half interactions, whatcould you have said or done differently to make them be top-half interactions?

What about unintentional bottom-half interactions?  Are there things that you say or do out ofhabit that you now think other people might interpret wrongly?  If someone heard or saw you in a bottom-half interaction, what would youlike them to say or do to let you know?

“Keepyour thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your wordspositive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positivebecause your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive becauseyour habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your valuesbecome your destiny.”

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi , Indian political and spiritual leader

There will be no new blog posting next week as I set aside time to celebrate all the people for whom I am most thankful - including each of you! See you in 2 weeks!