Pick Up What I Am Laying Down!

I have been thinking a lot lately about hearing and beingheard. 

Yesterday, while working at my kitchen table, I heard a dove.  I couldn’t see it, but my sense was that itwas trilling and cooing just below the kitchen window.  A moment later, a rush of wingbeats told methat its partner had heard the call of “breakfast located” and joined in.  Sure enough, when I peeked over the sill,there was a pair of collared doves devouring the seed that had fallen from thefeeder, carrying on a low, almost guttural conversation.  To me, it was the sound of satisfaction.  Message sent; message received; mission accomplished.

Why does communication seem so much more complicated for us humans?  In part, it is certainly because we don’t always say what we feel or believe.  Sometimes we prioritize friendship over truth – we soften or obscure our real thoughts to preserve the feelings of others.  At other times, we edit our words because we fear how they will be received or how we might be judged.  We can also deflect to protect ourselves when we feel vulnerable;  “I’m fine,” can mean, “I don’t want to / can’t talk about that.”   But that is only half of the equation.  The other half is the way that we hear others.

Hearing vs. Listening

At a physiological level, we hear far more than we listen.  We are surrounded by sound that enters ourears and our brains, passing through a prioritizing filter that decides instantlywhether specific sounds are significant enough to attend to.  If the sound is sufficiently important,hearing becomes listening. 

Even then, we have many modes of listening.  Some involve greater effort and intentionality than others.  A number of modes require judgment, while others might involve curiosity or memorization.   Our brain chooses a mode of listening subconsciously, probably driven most by how we intend to use the information. Here are a few possible intentions behind listening; there are doubtless many more. 

• to internalize directions - where to go or whatto do
• to find a break in the conversation - finding ourturn to speak
• to learn what the speaker thinks so that we can chooseto fit in or to stand out
• to learn about the speaker’s experience so thatwe can know them better
• to promote the speaker’s discovery of somethingthey don’t yet know
• to judge the speaker’s biases
• to invest in what the speaker is saying, to absorbtheir meaning and intent
• to prepare a counter-argument or a next-story
• to learn what the speaker most needs at thatmoment
• to memorize the response (learn the answer,possible to a question that we posed)
• to be aware of our surroundings (for self-protectionor for appreciation and enjoyment)

The Power of MatchingIntent

As I reflect on this list, I can almost feel different parts of my body and brain engage with different intents.  Thinking about listening to judge or to make a counter-argument literally feels different in my body and in my brain than listening to appreciate the doves, which feels different than listening to learn what the speaker most needs.   My intent colors my means and depth of engagement and predisposes the way that I feel about the content.

What about the effect on the speaker?  What happens to a speaker who hopes that we will invest in what they are saying if we are listening so that we can jump in with our own story or argument?  At a minimum, the speaker believes they are unheard.  This might lead to a variety of feelings, depending on context: isolation, frustration, self-doubt, resentment, or a score of others.

On the other hand, how would a person providing directions to the grocery store feel if we are listening to discover the speaker’s greatest needs rather than to remember the directions?  The speaker may feel as if we have stepped inside their bubble without being invited – as though the response is overly personal.  It may invoke feelings of suspicion, mistrust, or judgment.  Or they may just think that we are air-heads! 

Mis-matches create division.   Effective communication relies on listening-intent matching speaking-intent.    

Thank goodness, the needn’t match exactly!  Proximal matches have nearly the same effect.  We can think about listening intentions like the ones listed above in 3 categories: speaker-centered, content-centered, and listener-centered.  If a speaker’s goal is to be better known or understood, any of the listening intentions in the speaker-centered category will feel positive.  If the listener’s focus is listener-centered or content-centered, the speaker will feel perplexed or disrespected.

Some Good News

We don’t have to get it right 100% of the time, but purposefullychoosing our listening intention increases the probability that we will get itright.  It is quick and simple: askyourself, “Why (for what purpose) am I listening?”  If it is a particularly importantconversation, it helps to engage in empathy, to put ourselves in the speaker’sposition.  “Why (for what purpose) arethey talking?”  If we don’t know whatlevel of response the speaker expects, ask! “Is this something you wanted me to be aware of or a problem that weneed to solve together?”

We can also increase the success of children’s listening if we contextualize before wetalk.  “I am about to give directions forwhat we are going to do next.”  Or, “I amgoing to share something that I feel strongly about, and I would appreciate itif you would listen with your ears and with your hearts.”  This is also good modeling, teaching childrenhow to ask for the kind of listening that they would like in differentsituations.

If we get it wrong, we sometimes get a second chance to getit right if we observe the reaction to our response.  People will often repeat themselves in a secondattempt to be heard.  Or they will giveus a non-verbal cue that we missed the boat: a paradoxical look of hurt orconfusion.  When we get it right, itcreates a bond of respect and understanding, the foundation of all good relationships.

Group Activity (for the classroom or staff/board meetings) 

To promote listening awareness (and to promote executive function),brainstorm a list of reasons or listening intentions like the one provided inthis blog.  Sort them into the threecategories: speaker-centered, content-centered, and listener-centered.

Discuss the situations that tug us to one type of listening oranother.  Examples: a good friend is veryupset and asks to talk to you; an announcement about Picture Day comes over thePA system; a problem is brought up for discussion that you think is reallyimportant; you have 10 minutes left to finish an important project and someone startstalking to you; everyone in a group that you belong to is asked to share anidea on a particular topic; you ask a friend how their weekend was and they say,“Fine.”

Reflection foradults:  In general, each person has ago-to intention for listening based on prior life experiences.  Is my natural style to be speaker-centered (other-centered),content-centered, or listener-centered (me-centered)?  How flexible am I?  Do I pick up on subtle cues that someoneneeds me to listen to them with greater focus on their words or emotions?  What about cues that I may have oversteppedand am getting too personal?  Would myrelationships benefit if I challenged myself to stretch my listening intention inone direction or the other?

Reflection forchildren (and adults):  All of ushave times when we don’t feel heard. Sometimes it is no big deal: we just repeat ourselves and our listenersget it the second or third time.  Butsometimes we just feel unheard.  If youhad the opportunity to tell people one thing about yourself and were guaranteedthat they would listen to invest in what we were saying – guaranteed that theywere listening to better understand you without judgment - what would you say?   What do you wish that people knew about you?

OPTIONAL FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Is there a way that you cantell people this thing-about-you without words? For example, if the one thing you want people to know is that wish thatyou could be in the spotlight from time to time, could you volunteer to presentsomething to the group or take on a leadership role for an upcomingproject? 

"The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said"

Peter Drucker

Image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay