Should

Lately, I have been particularly aware of the word “should”.  It feels like this word has been cropping up more than usual, explicitly and implicitly.  Perhaps it is an effect of being in an election cycle or a consequence of the plethora of advice being offered about avoiding the coronavirus.  Just for fun, Google “everyone should” and see what appears!  We certainly experience people and institutions conveying their expectations of us in social media and in advertising every day.  But I have been thinking particularly about how we use this word (or just the thought of it) in our classrooms.

“Should” in the Classroom

A phrase thatI often hear teachers use when redirecting a student is, “What should you bedoing right now?”  If the context of thisquestion is calmly taking time to sit down and help the child sort throughoptions to make an informed choice, then the process helps build the child’sExecutive Function skills.  It is a“win”.  Sometimes, however, the contextof the question is expressing adult frustration over the child’s current chosenactivity -  usually wandering,over-socializing, or avoiding overdue work – as a prelude to telling the childwhat to do next.  That is the scenariothat has captured my attention this week

The Presumptive “Should”

Certainly, wehave all felt the urgent need to get a child to engage in something –anything!!  Sometimes, by the time we approachthe child, so much time has been lost that the feeling of urgency has turned todesperation.  We feel compelled to movethe child into productive work as expeditiously as possible.   Andso, we use the kindest possible tone of voice to ask, “What should you be doingright now?”

The questioncarries with it some unstated presumptions: the child knew what was expected,had the ability to make an acceptable choice, and instead opted out.  What would Montessori have had to say aboutthis child?  She did not specificallyaddress the issue of a child who does not use work time wisely; however, shedid say that we should treat the misbehaving child as if he were ill ratherthan naughty.  What if we believedthat children are inherently good and wish to be successful, believed that whenchildren are not choosing wisely, something is getting in the way?  What if we assumed those children who mostfrustrate us are already doing the best they can?  Would we feel differently?  Would we act differently?

Finding the Cause of UnmetExpectations

First, wemust ask if the child genuinely understands the expectations, procedures, assignmentsand/or options.  When I pose thisquestion to frustrated and exhausted teachers, they sometimes reply, “How couldthey not?  We went over all ofthat!”  or, “It’s February!  If they don’t understand the expectations bynow, I can’t help them.”  It is humannature to assume that when we use our best communication skills to explainsomething to people, they understand our meaning as we intended.  But as we know, not all children processauditory information completely and few people (children or adults) find joy inreading written directions.  For thesechildren, describing the expectations and sending them off to make wise choicesis very much like giving just the first period of a 3-period lesson andexpecting the knowledge to stick.  

When we redirectthis child, if we convey disappointment or frustration (eveninadvertently), we may put these same children into fight or flight mode sothat hearing the expectations a second time will not help – they are alreadyshut-down.  How do we avoid letting outour inner exasperation and help them get back on track?  We reframe the situation before approachingthem.  One way that I findparticularly helpful is to look at the child’s choice or behavior withcuriosity rather than judgment.  Thisframing can help us replace opening lines like, “What should you be doing rightnow?” with, “You have walked the perimeter of the room a couple of times andyou don’t seem to be finding what you want. What are you looking for?”    Thiswill likely be followed by, “How can I help you (to achieve your statedgoal)?”  The actions and decisions thatresult from that, with teacher guiding child, will provide a pattern for futurechoice that the child may be able to access the next time a choice is to bemade.  We are teaching executivefunction. 

Understanding Short-CircuitsFrustration

That alllooks good on paper, doesn’t it?  But itis not easy to pull back from a place of intense emotion to rationally look ata child’s unfortunate choice with curiosity, especially when we are feelingtime pressures to get the child engaged with work.    Onething that can help is understanding what can cause children (and adults) toderail.  Wandering, procrastination, andover-socialization are not character flaws. They may look like intentional non-compliance or weak-willed laziness,but psychologists will tell us that by-in-large, these are symptoms of thegreater problem: functioning deficit.  Thismay have roots in: 

• - anxiety.  Children can experience anxiety about whether their attempts will be “good enough” in the eyes of friends, peers, or adults.  This is true for children who have lower skills that they are trying to hide from friends.  It is equally true for children who are praised for being so capable; they have a high bar to clear just to meet expectations.  In either case, children can feel that it is sometimes safer to not try than to try and fail.   (PS – this is true of adults as well!)
• confusion about how to start a work.  This is often about a lack of mental and/or physical organization.  “What do I need?  Where do I find those things?”  For these children, if we stay with them until they have gathered everything they need and get a start on the work, they will stick with the work for some time. 
• fear about the magnitude of the work.  In my family, we call this scary closet syndrome.  It dates back to a time when I had asked my son to pick up his closet and returned sometime later to find him mired in the enormity of the task.  As we talked through the process, breaking it into chunks, he began to relax.  He no longer saw this as an unfair ask – he could see the process.  (To be clear – that did not make him happy to pick up his closet, but it did the task doable.)  In some situations, giving children a dichotomous choice (would you like to do a or b?) is key to success.  In other situations, making a list of the steps involved in a process and encouraging the child to cross off each step as it is completed can help not just now, but also in similar situations in the future.
• competing priorities.  Social concerns, particularly for older elementary children, can take first priority irrespective of what we deem important.  To be sure, when children pose with work while socializing, it can be a simple matter of the endorphins being produced creating such a pleasurable state that they don’t wish to set that aside to do something else.  But genuine social concerns are valid.  When we validate their concerns and help them address their issues, we free up bandwidth for them to attend to our priorities.
• neurodiversity.  The child who sits quietly and alertly at line or at a lesson may actually have completely disengaged from what is being said.  If the child is a non-auditory processor, attending to instruction purely auditorily is exhausting.   They may attend well initially, but after the first few hundred words, they may just run out of steam.  A child who appears to have been attentive but cannot leave the line and comply with verbalized instructions without taking cues from peers may genuinely be clueless about what to do, no matter how well we explained it. 

When we can honor these root causes of work-avoidance asbeing genuine, valid, authentic problems, the symptoms of wandering orwork-avoidance feel less personal.  Wecan ascribe less importance to causing the child to complete this work and moreimportance to helping the whole child be successful.  We can begin to explore what situational oremotional factors are presenting barriers that we can’t see, or what needs arenot being met.  With this mindset, we canapproach the child non-judgmentally to ask, “How can I help you achieve yourgoal?”

Reflection for Adults: What children /situations confound me on a regular basis?  Where would approaching the situation with curiosity lead to an authentic solution rather than a temporary “fix”?

Reflection for Children: There are lots of things and people in our lives that tell us what we should do.  We know, for example, that we should brush our teeth in the morning, and that people expect that we dress appropriately for school or sports.  In our classroom, we have ground rules that tell us how we should treat one another.  All of these “shoulds” help order our days so that we can live happy lives. 

Sometimes, we have more than one “should” at a time, andthey don’t always agree with one another. Maybe you know that you should set the table for dinner because it isyour turn AND your friend says that you should come out and practice pitching.  Or perhaps you have been saving yourallowance for something special but you see something at the checkout standthat you want right now. 

In Montessori classrooms, we believe that children shouldhave choice.  That sometimes means thatthere is more than one thing competing for your attention and time.  Think about a time when you had to make a hardchoice in our classroom.  What were youdeciding between?  How did youchoose?  How do you feel about the choiceyou made?

Note to teachers:children’s responses to this can provide insight into their decision-making process.  Sometimes their process is so subconscious thatthey are unaware that they are choosing. Even the most trivial example can provide a valuable entrée to aconversation with a child about choosing.

Image by Edward Lich from Pixabay

Treat a child as though he already is the person he's capable of becoming.

Haim Ginott 1922 –1973, school teacher, child psychologist and parent educator

What is going on in your classrooms that keeps you up at night?  PM me through Facebook or write to me at lockhartlearning@gmail.com to nominate a topic for a future blog!