When you hear the term Grace and Courtesy, what images come to mind? A tea service? Etiquette lessons on good manners and social polish? Self-Care? These were certainly part of Dr. Montessori’s definition of Grace and Courtesy. And few would argue that society today needs more consideration, kindness, and mutual respect.
In the modern era, we Montessorians also use Grace and Courtesy lessons to reinforce one of our key tenets: respect. We address less desirable behavioral trends, hopefully before they become habits. These can include disrespectful behaviors in meetings and lessons (interrupting, side conversations), disrespectful social interactions (exclusion, bullying), and even disrespectful treatment of the classroom and materials.
Lately, I have been thinking that our definition of Grace and Courtesy might need to expand again to include mini-lessons on how to become a contributing member of the community – one of the four characteristics of normalization. These lessons nurture sociability and promote independence and interdependence, which are vital attributes for a learning community. These enable each child to participate, learn, collaborate, and take responsibility without constant adult rescue.
Resilience and Perseverance
Two key aspects of independence are the ability to bounce back from disappointment to try again, and the ability to stick with something and see it through even when it is hard: resilience and perseverance. Many guides from around the country have mentioned that these skills seem markedly lower in our students now than just a few years ago–a discouraging trend. How can children become independent if they need to be rescued at every setback?
It is easy to see some of the factors contributing to this trend. We live in a world of instant gratification, where much is done for us that we once did for ourselves. We have on-demand access to online search engines, artificial intelligence, GPS navigation, worldwide shopping, and food delivery services, to name but a few. When full-time immediate availability becomes part of the fabric of our lives, we become accustomed to the idea that faster is better and to the expectation that tasks should be easy. When they are not, we can feel impatience, frustration, or anger. I acutely remember the first time I stood at the microwave, irritated that it would take a full 45 seconds to heat my meal, and how frustrating it is that, even as I write this blog, my internet will be out for the next 2 days.
When our implicit expectations that everything should be quick and easy are modeled at home and in society, is it any wonder that these expectations creep into children’s attitudes towards learning?
Can Resilience and Perseverance Be Taught?
Resilience and perseverance are both innate and learned. Genetics and early experience influence temperament and the development of these capacities, but these skills can be taught through modeling, direct instruction, and guided experiences.
Of course, the best teacher is experience: trial and error and trial again. If our children have developed a habit of abandoning an activity when the first attempts don't work, we are faced not only with the quandary of how to teach these character traits but also how to help children unlearn the “give up” habit. How do we help children experience “try again” if they give up at the first hint of struggle?
Direct instruction, provided by a series of Grace and Courtesy-like lessons, discussions, and reflections, allows children to understand these traits so that they can see it in others and build it in themselves.
Understand
Begin by defining resilience and perseverance. Give some relatable examples.
- You are building a multi-story house with magnetic tiles, and you just about have the roof on. The dog runs past, and its tail knocks the whole structure down. How do you feel? Resilience is what allows you to be disappointed for a few minutes and then start again.
- Who remembers learning to ride a bike? You get on the bike and go a few feet forward, wobble, steady up, wobble again, and fall. You think, “I’m not done yet – I can do this.” That feeling of wanting to stick with something until you get it is perseverance.
See
Once children understand the vocabulary, we help them apply the new terms by making these traits visible in other people. This can be tricky, because the decision to persevere or try again is made internally.
Fiction (short stories as well as novels) usually has wonderful examples of perseverance and resilience. When we overtly discuss these in read-alouds and book groups, we give these traits visibility. Ask how the story would have been different if the character had given up when they felt discouraged. Ask what they did to get past the hard times – what they rallied within themselves and what resources they accessed.
Historical and current events can provide examples of these traits. Talk about the athlete who didn’t give up after an injury and about what made historical figures like Harriet Tubman persist in the face of extraordinary danger.
Watch for and highlight examples in the classroom. If a child has achieved a hard-won milestone, it is likely due, at least in part, to their perseverance. With their permission, recognize their achievement at line and encourage them to talk about how they found success. For example, if a child has mastered their multiplication facts, congratulate them and ask how they did it, if they ever felt discouraged, and what helped them persist.
It is equally important to overtly model these skills ourselves, verbalizing what we felt and thought when faced with disappointment or frustration. These don’t have to be epic stories of great magnitude. Quick stories can be just as powerful, such as, “I am so disappointed. I have a great way to demonstrate air pressure that I put together last night, but I left it on my kitchen counter. But I really wanted to give you this lesson today, so I thought about it and came up with a way to give you a pretty good demonstration now using two pieces of paper, and I can bring in the great demo tomorrow.”
Build
With this foundation, give students the tools to apply these skills to their own learning. Explore the process of learning and what it feels like for everyone. This is metacognition at the most basic level.
Key points to be made are that the learning process requires patience and perseverance. It is often messy and comes with a wide range of emotions. This is true for everyone!
There are two mutually reinforcing models for learning that I find very approachable and useful for school-age children (and beyond). The Learning Pit emphasizes the learner's response to difficulty; the Learning Space emphasizes the nonlinear nature of learning. A search on these topics will provide illustrations and videos that can be used to tailor conversations with your students.
The Learning Pit is a visual model for learning developed by James Nottingham, a fifth-grade teacher in the UK. He wanted to normalize feelings of being uncertain, confused, or stuck as necessary steps towards mastery. We all go into the pit when learning something new. The difference is how we respond to being in the pit.
Dependent learners languish at the bottom of the pit and wait to be rescued. Too much assistance may lead to completing the task without building knowledge or agency in the process.
Independent learners use multiple strategies and available resources to climb back out of the pit. These might include collaboration, support, affirmation, taking a step back, or even direct instruction, some of which require asking for help. The important distinction is whether the child is developing strategies and the ability to choose which strategy is likely to be helpful.
This model is very compatible with the Growth Mindset model developed by psychologist Carol Dweck, which is invoked in many Montessori schools today.
The Learning Space is a concept popularized by clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy. It portrays the gap between “not knowing” and “knowing” as circuitous rather than a straight line. This helps debunk the notion that learning should be straightforward and fast–it requires the learner to anticipate meanders and have patience with themselves. She describes the path as being uncomfortable and messy, saying that frustration is often not a sign of failure, but the literal sensation of new learning being created.
Dr. Kennedy associates a person’s tolerance for remaining in that sometimes frustrating path with success. In other words, it isn’t about how smart a person is or how quickly they learn, but rather about how long a person can persist. This gives us the ability to reframe “frustration” as “growing new skills and knowledge”.
It is important to note that frustration is not always a sign of learning. It can also signal that a child is overwhelmed, lacks a prerequisite skill, doesn't understand the instructions, or needs a different approach. Not all struggle is productive struggle. Knowing the difference is key, and is sometimes the real crux of the matter.
The Guide’s Response
When a child struggles, we want them to think about whether they have the ability and resources to work their way out of the pit (productive struggle) or genuinely need help or a break (struggle that calls for a different response). If they need help, can they “phone a friend”, or do they need the assistance of an adult?
The art of guiding the child to greater confidence and self-sufficiency is not racing to answer the question or solve the problem for the child, but to help them find the answers. So when a child becomes discouraged or stuck on a particular task, often the most powerful assistance is to step through what led up to the point of frustration and what they considered doing to get unstuck. Based on their response, we can make suggestions that empower the child, often in the form of a question.
For example, we might respond to “I don’t get it” by asking what part they do understand. This can clearly point out if there is a skill gap or a need to take a different approach. Or we might ask if they have read and can summarize the directions. If they can’t summarize the directions, we might work with them to underline the verbs and then recheck for understanding. Or we might provide a little space and grace by saying, “I would love to help you with this in about 10 minutes. I have something I have to do first. Can you take a break for a few minutes? Maybe get a drink of water or a snack? I will come and get you soon.”
The most important thing to come out of these Grace and Courtesy style lessons is that, while resilience and perseverance are very positive traits, they are tools that we use to get through negative feelings that we can have about our own abilities and self-worth. Discussions normalize feelings of frustration and embarrassment and may help circumvent thinking that “I am bad at this” or “I will never figure this out”. Reframing the discomfort that often accompanies learning as possible evidence of growth can inspire students to look for ways to help themselves, to become independent learners.
Reflection for Guides:
Today’s blog addressed resilience and perseverance. What other capacities do children need in order to become independent, contributing members of a community?
Which of these could be taught through brief Grace and Courtesy-style lessons?
What do children need to understand, see modeled, and practice?
Reflection for Children:
Think of something you found difficult but eventually learned to do. What helped you keep going? What did you do when your first approach didn't work? What might you try the next time something feels difficult?
“The greatest sign of success for a teacher… is to be able to say, ‘The children are now working as if I did not exist.’”
— Maria Montessori, The Absorbent Mind (1949), Chapter 27.